Marriage, Career, Graveyard, Sweats- A Nautral Progression

Nuptials transpired this week. One groom, a friend of many years; we went out from time to time but serious, it was not. Timing, attraction, temperaments never lined up. He found a fantastic woman. They are good together. Stamp of approval. The other groom: a whisper thin dream of a possibility. I cannot help but wish them well and let the deserved happiness abound.

The dark questions, however, lurk in the eaves above the scenes of tranquility and bliss. Why not us? What is the difference between, “It’s a ‘go’ for eternity” and a “Thanks for playing, better luck next time”? The answer seems obvious. The fates have proclaimed it was never meant to be.

Doors seem to be gently closing all around but it isn’t terrifying, as I thought it would be.

Two close friends asked me on separate occasions, just today, if I were planning on just staying in L.A. and working in “the business” if I never got married and had children. Alarms went off in my head. I had never considered this probability. The assumption that I would have a spouse and progeny always began the equation, but examining my life pragmatically, without the hope of divine intervention, would easily point a rational person to the conclusion that I will be married to my work and that my offspring will be my art.

I am acquainted with a number of very strong, beautiful, talented women who are in the same position. Some talk of settling and others have resigned themselves to a steady, single life. I am still leaning against the fence looking on at a field of headstones. It is still unclear in which graveyard I will begin to dig the repository for my lost hope. Maybe it is just a symptom of my procrastination but I haven’t pulled out my sweats and tossed all of my makeup just yet. So I lift my spade in the air and yell, “Next year in L.A.!” I think that is a better place to die than Provo, UT; at least there is more eye candy to feast upon when I give in to a more comfortable waistband.