Before Chanel

A thought hit me while watching Audrey Tautou dressed in boyish clothing, teaching herself the art of millinery and tailoring dresses. Gabrielle “Coco” Chanel, never married, never raised children, never had a steady and fulfilling relationship that lasted, but she did become valuable member of society. By learning to trust her instincts and letting go of what she thought her life would be, Chanel led the shift from restrictive, Victorian clothing into an era of comfort, grace and elegance.

The portion of her life, before her great successes, was fraught with restriction, male oppression and discouragement. I felt a great deal of empathy for this woman who was socially prescribed to behave in a certain way, mostly by men with whom she was intimately involved. The fascinating part about the kind of oppression I have experienced is that it has come from the most ironic of sources: men who think of themselves as progressive. The truth is, their idea of liberation is just another phallocentric construct: defining a woman’s freedom by the opposite of what tradition has dictated. The framework is still male designed, forcing a female to fit into their understanding of how she should think and behave. This understanding is completely at odds with the idea of a woman defining her own identity and forming her own life, the thing they claim to support.

And so we flock together: intelligent, opinionated women. There is nowhere else for us to go. What average man would want to take on such a female? How can one partner with someone who does not want to live within the social or theoretical structures built by the most treacherous of enemies: a man who thinks he works for the cause of women? There seem to be only a few places for such a person.

I had these two depressing conversations, on separate and recent occasions, about what kind of person would make a good match for me. Sadly, from the perspective of these two men I spoke with, the only person who would want to live with me would essentially be a pushover. I have never really liked bobble headed, “yes-men” but considering my past experiences with stubborn, narcissistic men, it may be an undesirable truth. I am on the lookout for someone gentle and kind with patience to match…. (funny story, I have been sitting here trying to think of the right man to finish this metaphor and the only people who are coming to mind are women… curses.) Maybe I could tolerate a pretty boy who just did what I said? No relationship is perfect. Right?

Before I wax theoretical again, let me close by saying, this feels like my “Before Chanel” period… that I am on the cusp of the real beginning of my life. A long, discouraging trail before something wonderful, of my own creation, begins.