Another Downer- You've Been Warned

Well, it’s cancer and it is advanced; that is the verdict. If I lose another close friend or family member before the end of the year I am going to freak out. Two in two weeks is plenty. I don’t know if that means I will cut off all of my hair and run naked through the street or start eating insects with my toes or run off to a third world country and not contact anyone for a year but it is probably going to be major. I am warning you in advance so you are not surprised when I disappear or get arrested.

Distress has become a permanent state of being. Between all of the death, illness, work crap and life in general, my skull harbors a sloshing stress-mess of gray matter. I went downtown to get my computer fixed and ran into a film crew. I almost freaked out there were so many people and so many trucks. Features are not new to me but I was never in charge of operations, I was some lowly peon making one hundred-fifty bucks a day. (Speaking of which, did you know how much even independent writers, producers and directors make? HOLY CRAP. Why was I painting for so many years?) Also the shows I have worked on were never multi-million dollar, on-location pictures closing down sections of Los Angeles.

School has started and all of a sudden I am terrified to commit anything to film. The pressure of being at a top school is getting to me. My classmates are still enjoying the high that only sort of allowed myself to feel when I got accepted. I had lunch with some of my classmates and the topic turned to the SCA (School of Cinematic Arts) swag we were given when we started. I was afraid to use any of it because I felt like I was being pretentious. My classmates thought it was fun and told me how excited their friends, family, peers and coworkers were for them. I felt like my parents and a few friends were happy for me but others (particularly the ones in the film world) downplayed it and I always felt like I should too. Who likes a braggart?

Well, with all of this stress in my life, I am glad I have my puppy, as inconvenient as she has turned out to be. She is beautiful and cuddly and she only wakes me up a few times a night. I think I should end on a positive note and that is it. Who doesn't like puppies? If you don't I don't trust you and you are not allowed to read my blog any more. The end.